Difficult Years

Recovering from my fourth medical procedure in the course of 12 months has really forced me to take a look and reevaluate my life.

Acheivements:
* Academic prowess: high school valedictorian, attended(ing) top ranked institutions for undergraduate and graduate studies.
* Worked my way into well-paying jobs in sought after .
* Overcame my childhood shyness to enjoy social life in my 20s.
* Worldly -- travelled to many countries, experienced unique things, have made so many diverse friends.

Yet to Acheive:
* A place of my own -- that I OWN.
* Committment to a job function I really love.
* Falling madly in love with someone who is actually good for me to fall madly in love with.
* Having a family -- if that's what I decide I want.

I think I've really grown disenchanted with the dating scene. You really can't depend on it for anything but fun, and sometimes, you can't even depend on it for that. I can't say that any guy I ever dated was particularly helpful during any of the medical troubles I had... eventually, I just became reluctant to even tell anyone I ever met what I was going through. What's the point? It's not as though people who are not related to you, or who are already your super close friends, want to stop their busy activities to help you feel better. I'm guilty of it, too, I'm sure... not being there, not helping someone that needed my help, when they were most likely showing clear signals that they needed it. Plus, it's such a downer to have to tell someone you like and who is starting to like you that you are facing a medical battle. No one wants to deal with that in a new relationship. Even if the battle isn't life threatening, and is most likely temporary... meaning it will be gone once treatment is over and I will be good as new.

I think, for the next year at least, I need to be really careful with dating. After having to go through another surgery, and just feeling down for the past few days, I know that I need to take the time to take care of myself well. And I don't want to let anyone into my life that isn't going to do the same.

I think the past year has been the hardest year in my life... my second year of college just falling slightly short of being the worst. My junior year of high school was pretty dreadful too. In just under 25 years of life, I can look back and see three years I wish I could erase. I don't regret the years, I just can't handle the pain associated with thinking about them. Someone once told me that for my writing to be at its strongest, I should write about what I know. I want to write about some of those times, but the thought of pulling out the key and unlocking those memories of pain still frighten me to the core. I worked so hard to get past those times and looked, reached, and, finally, ran towards the light. I can't go back and revisit them. At least not yet.