Competition

The one thing that I've been so good at doing since I left college is finding girlfriends that like to compete. With me. In every way imaginable. Maybe it's not overt competition, but there always ends up being some form of needing to be one - upped or needing validation. And then it all falls apart and I am supposed to feel bad about it. Well today, I'm saying no, I will not feel bad about it. And I'm going to start being really careful about finding girlfriends that become ultra competitive with me.

Background: I've been having on and off feelings about a friend of mine for a while. At times, I felt backed into a corner, and I felt like she would never respect me for what I am or who I am, etc., and I also felt a lot of pressure to create false closeness. (Not to mention that she was evasive with me regarding many things.) I knew things weren't going well because she'd call a lot, but always at times that were when she was doing something else, like ordering food, or getting on a train car. I felt weird about this friendship for some time, and instead of openly saying something about it, I just let it hide and fester. Definitely a bad move on my part. I just needed space, which I was having a hard time getting until I finally outright asked for it.

Space was a good thing. I come home today to get an accusatory (not to mention nasty) email from her saying that I did somethings that I don't believe I did, but I will never get to say my side of the story. Becuase she is not talking to me ever again. But you know what, I dont' even want to give my side of the story because of the nature with which she presented everything to me... I admit, I was pretty crushed because this person is important to me, and her family is also wonderful. The death of a friendship is hard. However, I suppose I must persevere, and persevere I will. There are too many potential friends in this world and I cannot be upset by the misguided musings of one ex-friend that was causing me strife to begin with. People grow and change, and if we were meant to be, we will be. If we aren't, maybe we didn't have that much in the first place.

It's surprising how much I've grown from my youth. When I was younger, this type of thing would be debilitating. I was due a friendship break - up sooner or later. Two years of an almost wonderful friendship situation was just too much for the planets to balance. I think I've just reached that point in my life where things will happen as they do, and I know that I am a good person and that everything will work out. It has with b-school. Maybe I needed more room in my life for an amazing new friend that is coming my way. Maybe I've just been through enough friendship break-ups to know what to expect and how to handle it. Maybe it's just a normal cycle to have friends come in and out of your life.

On other notes... I scheduled my surgery for Feb 8th. My surgeon seems absolutely wonderful, and very, very competent, so that is the good news. I'm having a VATS right lung biopsy (way fun, huh?) The bad news is I'll be out of work for a week and on narcotics and in pain. Speaking of which, I need to schedule my flight out for my dad.. he's coming to stay with me so I'm not alone during the surgery.

The Ross Alumni Happy Hour is this Thursday in Manhattan. I wish I could make it, but I don't think I'll be able to. :( Maybe I can catch the next one.